Moje oswiadczenie lustracyjne

Dear Mankind. This is a Polish blog, but I have chosen English for this particular entry due to the worldwide importance of information contained herein.
I am a journalist whose primary task is to review TV series, graphic novels and sci-fi movies. Our right wing government has recently passed the law requiring that all the people who write anything to any newspaper (be it cooking recipies or tv guide) should reveal their cooperation with communist secret services. Failure to do so shall result in immediate termination of your job contract (don’t know how they want to enforce it but that’s the law they passed).
This process is called in Polish „lustracja”, which literally translates into English as „mirrorization”. Don’t ask how they got this stupid name – they are not particularly bright people anyway. Common English equivalent is „screening”.
Therefore I am required by Polish law to mirrorize – or to screen – my shady past. I hereby reveal my cooperation with a secret communist agenda known as Majestic Twelve, where I was occupying a post of „ufologist” since my 18th birthday.
The screening form (see above) contains a field for additional commentary. I am using it to reveal some even more important information. It reads: ELVIS KILLED KENNEDY AND HE IS ALIVE IN A POLISH VILLAGE CALLED KLEWKI (local joke, never mind).
Now my screening form will be further screened by the National Screening Institute which will determine whether I wrote the truth or lied through my teeth (and eventually punish me for the latter). I just hope it will be a good screening – something that every decent movie reviewer is ready to die for.

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